


i'm trying to put it right (cause I want to love you)

by aliveanddrunkonsunlight



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Exes, F/M, angsty, jaime is a mess but is trying to be less of a mess, jaime lannister: i'm sorry i couldn't hear you over the sound of my inner turmoil, mildly smutty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-31
Updated: 2020-12-31
Packaged: 2021-03-10 22:49:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28454880
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aliveanddrunkonsunlight/pseuds/aliveanddrunkonsunlight
Summary: He knew, of course, why things ended between them. He’d taken the job with Catelyn and there was suddenly less time for them. He let Brienne down countless times, but whether she knew it or not, she was always the most important thing in his life. Not his job.
Relationships: Jaime Lannister/Brienne of Tarth
Comments: 31
Kudos: 119
Collections: JB Festive Festival Exchange Stocking Stuffers 2020





	i'm trying to put it right (cause I want to love you)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [catherineflowers](https://archiveofourown.org/users/catherineflowers/gifts).



> Prompts were: emotional turmoil, smut, flawed human beings with an imperfect relationship struggling to make things work
> 
> I hope I managed to get at least one of those in there! Happy New Year!

Sometimes missing a person is more about missing a particular time in your life. 

He convinced himself for a long time that it wasn’t Brienne he was missing, but being in a relationship. He’d never stopped to think that all the trappings he craved: stability and companionship and understanding were all things he had with Brienne. Jaime had dated other women, but they weren’t as secure, as steady, as Brienne. 

Those early parts of their relationship, it was easy to imagine the years spread out before them: moving in together, buying her a ring, their wedding, talking about starting a family. 

The things she said to him the other night made him wonder where it all went wrong. 

He knew, of course, why things ended between them. He’d taken the job with Catelyn and there was suddenly less time for them. He let Brienne down countless times, but whether she knew it or not, she was always the most important thing in his life. Not his job. But he had let his fear of messing up the opportunity with Catelyn overwhelm him and lead him to make poor choices. He assumed Brienne would always be there, because she had been for so long. 

She never gave Jaime a reason to doubt her love, which was the thing he adored about her the most. She was so different from everyone else in his life, their love wasn’t transactional and she didn’t leave Jaime feeling manipulated and wrung out. 

And yet, as happy as they had once been, some small part of him never felt he was good enough. Those months between campaigns, when he would sit on the couch, dejected and unemployed, and wonder what Brienne ever saw in him at all. 

For a long time, it was hard to see her across the room at press conferences, but he was never bitter about her decision. He slowly learned it was the right one, and he’s grateful for her friendship now, but more and more, every time he sees her, there’s a twinge inside his chest which will not fade for hours afterwards. He does not know if there is a road back for him, for them, but he’s willing to try. 

*

_Sevenmas_

As a kid, he was always left with relatives for Sevenmas, his father flying off somewhere exotic with his latest girlfriend. He, Cersei, and Tyrion got used to Aunt Genna’s Sevenmas traditions, but once Jaime turned thirteen, Tywin didn’t even bother with relatives, insisting Jaime was old enough to make sure his siblings had a suitable holiday. He’d gotten a job in Lannisport, saved up money to get a present for each of his siblings and to buy groceries and attempt to make the holiday meal himself. It had been a disaster, in the end, but oddly, an experience he and his siblings still looked back on fondly. 

He preferred to spend the holiday alone, now, the only exception being when he was with Brienne, they would go to Tarth and spend a week with her father. He loved it there. The island, the soothing repetition of waves crashing against the shore, actually feeling welcomed into someone’s home. He could practically smell the salt in the air now, even though he was sitting alone on his couch in King’s Landing, having a little too much to drink.

“Jaime, are you alright?” Brienne asks, worry flooding her voice when she picks up. 

“I’m fine,” he replies, hoping he isn't slurring his words. He doesn’t drink as much anymore and he’s become a bit of a lightweight. 

She waits for a long moment, probably for him to explain why he called. “Are you sure you’re okay?” 

“Yep,” he says a little too cheerily. “I, uh, I guess I wanted to call because it was Sevenmas and since it’s a day for making amends and all that shit.” 

“Jaime,” she sighs, and even over the phone, he thinks her voice is tinged with a bit of sadness. 

“I just...wanted you to know I’m sorry. I know this apology is overdue, but-”

“I wasn’t informed there was an amends timeline,” she says gently. 

He can’t help but smile at that. “Are we okay?” 

“We’re okay.” 

A long moment passes between them, and Jaime wants to ask if there can ever be another shot for them, but knows better than to press his luck. She forgives him. That’s enough for now. “How are your holidays? Tell Selwyn and Galladon hello from me. Actually,” he chuckles, “On second thought, don’t.” He’s pretty sure both Brienne’s brother and father could beat the hell out of him. 

Brienne laughs, too. “It’s been nice. Although, my brother and his wife are sickeningly happy and they keep threatening me, saying I should move back to Tarth and marry a fisherman.”

“Then you better get moving,” he replies, a smile sliding across his face. 

“I guess I better,” she says. “Have a good night, Jaime.” 

“You too.” 

*

_New Year’s Eve_

His amends last approximately a week. His plan, his road back to Brienne did not include fucking on his desk a few minutes before midnight, terrified they might get caught but thrilled they’re doing this at all, particularly when her hand is wrapped in his suspenders, pulling him closer and closer, his forehead practically butting against hers as he thrusts into her. “Don’t stop, don’t stop,” she cries out and he kisses her to muffle the sound. 

She’d shown up here tonight, not with a date, she insisted, but with a new colleague from the paper, and something inside him had broken, knowing he might never get her back. He wanted to show someone all of the ugly, jagged edges of himself. He wanted it to be her. 

He knew her jagged edges, too, the ones she had sanded down over the years, worked so hard to smooth out, to hide. “Fuck,” she whispers as he finishes. He has to unfurl her fingers from where they are clenched around his suspender before he drops to his knees, the fabric of her dress falling around her legs again as she sits up. His hand wraps around her calf, fingertips slipping under the straps of her heel, thumb brushing her ankle. 

“Come home with me,” he says, his mouth marking a path up her leg. “Please.” 

When they are home, in the apartment they used to share and he could never bring himself to give up, her asleep beside him, all he can remember is how her hands gently traced his neck, making their way across his chest. The weight of her in the bed, her soft breathing, makes his chest ache so badly it hurts, and then he’s crying. She wakes then, saying his name softly in the dark as he tries to stifle his sobs into the pillow. “It’s alright,” she tells him, saying it over and over as she strokes her fingers through his hair. 

But he doesn’t know if it’s alright.

*

In the morning, they are cranky and hungover from too much champagne, but things are easy, because they know each other. He gets up to make eggs and fries, her favorite hangover foods (other than a cheeseburger) and she makes a pot of very strong coffee. After they eat, they wind up back in bed, but the guilt keeps burrowing deeper and deeper in his stomach. 

“Can we talk about this?” he murmurs into her hair when they are curled up next to each other. 

Brienne reaches out, her hand running over his cheek, her thumb brushing across his beard, and nods. He suspects after last night, she has an inkling of what he means. They were always good at reading each other. Maybe that’s why it took him so long to notice that things between them weren’t working anymore. It plagued him, realizing he had stood there, watching their relationship dissipate, slipping through his fingers like sand, and had done nothing to save it. “I can’t stop thinking about you,” he murmurs. “I know I don’t have the right to ask you to try things again, but it’s all I want. Another chance.” 

Brienne doesn’t look away, only watches him carefully and licks her lower lip before speaking, “I want that, too. I’ve been thinking about it since you called on Sevenmas.” 

He’s been thinking about it since long before that and his words are careful, his tone quiet, even though she is far from some fragile, delicate thing. Brienne is the strongest person he knows. She makes him want to be better. “I don’t ever think I stopped being in love with you.” 

“Jaime.” Brienne says his name gently, tears welling up in her eyes. 

“I didn’t,” he tells her. “I know there are things I have to work on, that we have to work on, but I want to figure them out together.” 

She nestles closer to him, resting her head on his shoulder. Jaime runs his fingers through her hair. “Together.” 


End file.
